Heartbreak is definitely one of those things that you cannot understand or even comprehend until you go through it yourself. I didn’t. I thought i got it, I thought from my high school infatuations that didn’t turn out and from the silly boys I cried over, that I could empathise with heartbreak. But those didn’t compare one bit. And you know what, it doesn’t always have to be an intimate relationship to get your heart broken.
I have been lucky so far to have been sheltered from any form of loss and so my first experience came as a shock to the system.
The way I talk about ‘this guy’ might seem pathetic considering I wasn’t actually in a long term relationship with him or really, a relationship at all.
But my heart honestly felt like it broke into a thousand pieces and the strong foundation I thought sat beneath me, shattered too.
The force of these feelings I felt, scared me completely.
People always tell you about how to get over the wrong ones, how you shouldn’t chase the bad boy and how ‘when you know, you know’. But they don’t tell you that sometimes you think you know, and you get it completely wrong. They don’t tell you that sometimes you have to get over someone that you don’t hate, that you can’t hate, that hasn’t passed away and that you feel you are totally in love with. Well your mind is anyway.
And that last sentence is what it came down to, my mind was in love with the idea of what I wanted him to give me. I had totally obsessed over him and what I wanted us to become. So much so that I had created a bubble of illusion that I got completely carried away with and then… POP.
It took me well over a year to realise that it wasn’t him I wanted or missed. It was the feelings he bought out in me and the different side of life he showed me that I was attached to. It was super frustrating because i didn’t want to give someone that had walked away from me – that kind of attention and for some reason, I couldn’t let it go.
The hardest part of it for me was that there was no fix, no cure. I couldn’t get rid of the intensity of how I felt.
The sadness and feeling of loss wouldn’t go away and I honestly couldn’t see a time that it would. Time was healing it very, very slowly and I was continuing to go around in circles in my head.
11 months later, I can finally say that time, yes, is definitely the biggest healer, but the ‘time’ period can be long.
What i’m also coming to realise is that there are some things in life that you may never get over.
Some people that will always hold a little space in your heart. And that, I think was what I found the hardest.
I wanted a solution. I wanted closure. I couldn’t get either and I wasn’t used to feeling this way.
3 months after, I was still so caught up in the intensity and actually, even 12 months later, I realised that if i didn’t want to feel like this and I couldn’t find a way to get rid of it – I would have to find a way to deal with it. For it to live inside of me but for me to work with it and continue to seek the happiest version of my life out there.
After this experience, I went head first into my career and subconsciously my barriers came up.
It’s honestly taken me 18 months to feel anything towards another guy and my god it feels good to.
Honestly, I have been waiting for the day ‘the other guy’ got wiped out of my head as being ‘the one’ and it has finally happened. A long journey indeed but I can finally agree with the people that told me, ‘you will find someone else’.
Though it was destroying at the time, i know that every relationship that doesn’t work out changes you 100% for the better.
You grow, you learn, you build a stronger you and you prepare yourself for a much better relationship.
‘What’s meant for you will not pass you. And what passes you is not meant for you.’
Now that I feel i’m getting through the other side, I can finally stand testamont to knowing after heart break or heart ache, I will be okay. If you’re going through it too and can relate to this post – you’ll be okay too. Promise.
I also know that the first time you let yourself fall, you are unlikely to fall that hard again because you go on to be more self aware and life aware than ever.
I honestly feel that after getting my heart broken for the first time, and working through such a tough set of emotions, I can get through anything.
For that reason I will never settle for something just because I’m scared to be without them. I’m not.
Looking back, here are a few lessons I learnt that may be of help / relief for you…
- Don’t fight it, grieve it
There’s a time to be strong and there’s a time to remember that you’re human. Pushing down feelings will only mean they come up at another time. It’s shit. The end of a relationship is really shit. Don’t be so hard on yourself, if you need to cry, cry. Then pull your shit back together and continue with your day.
- Let people be there for you
The best thing i did was let people in. Most of my friends know me as ‘the strong one’ and to start with I was saying ‘i’m fine i’ll get over it’ even though as i said it, my stomach would be turning and i’d be fighting back the tears. As soon as I was just honest about how I felt, I felt relief and it gave people the opportunity to be there for me.
- Take one second at a time
Like with depression, sadness or anxiety, thinking too far into the future or towards a big goal will feel overwhelming and unattainable. Don’t do it. Concentrate on what you need right now, what you can distract yourself with right now and who you can hang out with right now. Life is a collection of moments, simply think about the one you’re in as that’s the only one you can control and influence.
- Fill your life with all the things that you love
When you’re in a negative state of mind it’s easy to let all the bad things build up. We all know this is a fact, right? Once one thing goes wrong, it tends to continue in sequence because we are almost in tune to the negative . You have to fight against this with positives. One thing i did was write down all the things that make me happy or make me smile onto a piece of paper, stuck it on my laptop and looked at it every morning when i woke up. Though it didn’t vanish my feelings, filling your day with as many of those happy things as possible will sure create a wonderful distraction as you begin to heal.
- Realise you were in love with the feeling of being in love, not him
Quite frankly, if someone really cares about you the way you deserved to be cared about, they wouldn’t have let you go that easy. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve and consider that perhaps your feelings were deeply connected to something he was giving you… not him (thats a good thing, the something can be replaced).
- It’s only part of your life whilst you still think about it
Time will create longer and longer intervals between the moments you think about them. The more healing time, the less you’ll think about them.
- You will move on.
I denied this comment for so so so so so so long because i know it feels like you won’t. But I can tell you, you will move on from the intensity of the feelings you have right now.
Now that you know there’s light at the end of the tunnel, you’re ready to hear about the sunshine at the end of the tunnel…
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